Is this Elon Musk versus Mark Zuckerberg fight happening? Is it not happening? We don’t really know but we’d pay to see it happen, and here’s why.
There’s No Way Their Entrances Won’t Be Ultra Dorky
Fighters strutting into the arena with musical accompaniment, backed by an entourage, and trying to look tough only works because most fighters are pretty cut and actually tough. Tough isn’t a look Musk or Zuckerberg can really pull off, even though we concede that one or both may surprise us when they actually get into the octagon—apparently Zuckerberg has been doing MMA training for awhile.
Someone’s Eating Humble Pie
We’re sure that billionaires have real problems. We can’t really relate to them though, and the vox populi ’round these parts of the internet is that these two titans of industry deserve to be taken down a peg or two. At the very least, we’d get to see them struggle in a humanizing way. As Iron Mike himself says, “Everyone’s got a plan until they get punched in the mouth.” Show us your slide deck now, Zuckerberg.
They Can Settle Their Beef Right Away
Ugh, there are lawsuits (maybe) over Threads now. Instead of reading about a tedious series of lawsuits for like two years, how about Zuckerberg and Musk just agree to settle all claims in the octagon? That way, we can get it all over with and spend the next two years clowning on whoever loses. And clowning on whoever wins, if they look dumb while doing it.
No Matter Who Wins, We Win
Who would you cheer for? It doesn’t matter—most outcomes would be excellent for people not named Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg. A quick KO? Hilarious. A drawn-out punchathon? More bang for your buck! Rope-a-dope? Great. Don’t worry, we’ll be entertained.
Fewer Musk Tweets
With all his training, there will presumably be less time for Musk to tweet nonsense, thus making Twitter slightly more usable.
Charity!
Since neither guy will need the purse (unless Twitter goes belly up in the next month or so, which is a real possibility), they can donate it to a deserving cause. Maybe some kind of anti-cyberbullying advocacy group? Or a charity that helps teen girls with Instagram-induced image problems? Or an NGO trying to restore integrity to elections?
We’ll Never See Two Billionaires Fight Again
Not since Cornelius Vanderbilt and Andrew Carnegie held a bare knuckle boxing match for the rights to name the Empire State Building, an event which history teachers assure us never happened, have we seen two billionaires punch each other for dubious reasons. And the possibility of having Michael Buffer announce it makes it even spicier.
The Memes
From the entrances to the fist bumps to the inevitable punches thrown, so much of this fight has the potential to turn into memes. And we fully expect that if there’s a knockout it’ll be the world’s most popular GIF in about two minutes.
This May Humanize One or Both of Them
The internet likes to accuse Zuckerberg of being a robot while also accusing Musk of, well, a lot of things. A televised fight might help with a little bit of image rehabilitation.
In boxing or mixed martial arts, you’re on your own once you’re in the ring. There’s no one there to take the punches for you. Your effort or lack thereof is visible to anyone watching. And the only way to win is by making another guy submit. Even if it isn’t your cup of tea, there’s no denying that a person willing to step into the ring has a certain amount of courage. Ultimately, we might respect these two a wee bit more for trying to kick the tar out of each other.
Do you hear that, billionaires? Give Dana White a call.
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